Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Can I color on your dick again?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
