ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
