I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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