First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
