I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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