it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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