Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
