I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
