I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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