Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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