Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
