he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
