Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
