We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
