he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
