you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
