I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
