What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
