i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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