my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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