Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
