hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
