I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
