Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
