Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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