I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
