Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
