today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
