Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
