Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
