maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
