we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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