he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
