I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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