I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
