Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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