note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
