i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
