Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He? As in you personified your dick?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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