My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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