You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
