did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
