when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
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