I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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