She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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