Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
