he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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