I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Randomize
