Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
