I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
